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- Shazbot's Review of Clash of the Titans
For many of us Dungeons & Dragons fans, the 1981 film Clash of the Titans is a seminal work that has inspired our games for years, even with such glaring warts as the cheesy dialogue, stiff looking Ray Harryhausen animation and stupid clockwork owl, the original film remains a classic of our childhood...a grand adventure filled with magic and wonder.
Now imagine my glee when I first saw the fucking eyeball meltingly awesome trailer for the remake, which showed us fleeting glimpses of giant scorpions, rampaging harpies, a truly epic looking Kraken and a sleek, deadly Medusa. As soon as the tantalizing trailer came to a close, and my shuddering nerdgasm subsided, I immediately resolved myself to see this movie the very day it came out.
Well the much anticipated day has come and gone, and I have to say that the Louis Leterrier directed Clash of the Titans remake, with it’s epic vistas, heart wrenching drama, amazing effects and pulse pounding battles of mythic proportions will be fueling my D&D games for years to come...
Which is exactly what I would be saying, if the movie itself didn’t actually suck rancid, lint encrusted hobo balls.
Seriously, the movie just sucked...and it didn’t just suck like the animated Dragonlance movie sucked...Clash of the Titans sucked like getting ass raped by a gang of enraged, syphilitic gorillas...while watching the animated Dragonlance movie.
Clash of the Titans was just plain bad. It was out of sheer willpower and a very tenuous sense of courtesy for our fellow theatergoers that kept me and Antioch from loudly berating the entire movie all the way through. As it stood, we had to make do with gesturing wildly with confused and exasperated expressions or vigorously face-palming at every stupid development the film crammed into our poor, poor eye sockets. Mostly we just wanted it to end so we could go home and bawl our eyes out in tubs filled with scalding hot water while scrubbing our skin raw with steel Brillo pads.
I could go on about the anemic plot, nonsensical character arcs, underwhelming and muddy action sequences, the director’s terrible sense of pacing and the staggering number of ass pull story resolutions...but it’s nothing that you haven’t already heard or read in virtually every other review of this movie, so in lieu of the tradition critique, I present to you, Clash of the Titans: The Abridged Version, starring yours truly! Bon appetit, mother fuckers!
Long, long ago, the Gods of Mount Olympus overthrew the Titan’s and thus began the reign of Zeus, father of both gods and man...but man eventually grew uppity and began to revolt.
ZEUS: What? Arbitrary goat sacrifices are down by 20% this month? How am I going to get by without dead goats???
HADES: That’s not all! I heard the humans talking and they totally called you a glitter faggot!
ZEUS: Glitter faggot? What the??? Glowy chrome plated armor is the look this season! Uppity humans!
HADES: Yeah...we should totally teach those dicks a lesson! Why don’t you let me unleash a bunch of monsters to fuck their shit up!
ZEUS: There is...something to what you say. Very well, then.
HADES: Excellent! Mwahahahaha...umm..I mean I’m really not planning anything underhanded...honest!
Meanwhile, in some quiet, unassuming village out in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere...
SHAZBOT: Hey mom and dad!
SHAZ’S FOLKS: Son we have something to tell you...you’re adopted. Oh but we don’t love you any less...at least not by a wide margin or anything.
SHAZBOT: Adopted? Oh no! My entire life has been a lie!
HADES: Mwahahahaha! Tremble mortals...before the almighty power of the Gods!
SHAZ’S FOLKS: Agh! The fire...it burns! *dies*
SHAZBOT: Noooooo! I’m down to my last cigarette...and also...vengeance!
And so our hero, heart heavy with grief and irritable from nicotine fits, makes his way to the market place...
SHAZBOT: Okay...so I’ve got a large slushy and I need a pack of Camel’s.
SHOPKEEPER RAHJNEESH: Say...you’re a demigod, aren’t you?
SHAZBOT: I’ma what now?
SHOPKEEPER RAHJNEESH: A demigod! Yeah...Zeus got it on with your momma and you are the result of that union...half man and half god! So...you know...go save us from the wrath of the gods!
SHAZBOT: But...but...I’m just a simple tech industry worker...what can I do? Expository self doubt! Besides, what about Heracles? Or Gilgamesh? Or Jesus?
SHOPKEEPER RAHJNEESH: They’ve got other shit going on. It’s all up to you!
SHAZBOT: You’re right! Who cares if the gods are immortal supermen who hurl lightning bolts at-will? I’m going to go slap them around like asthmatic schoolgirls! And I’ll do it as a man!
SHOPKEEPER RAHJNEESH: Umm...you might want to look into the whole half god angle more.
SHAZBOT: No, no...I’ve got this!
ANTIOCH: Hey dude...’sup.
SHAZBOT: ‘Sup. I’m going to go defy the gods.
ANTIOCH: Bitchin. It just so happens that I have an army of cannon fodder who believe in you unconditionally.
ARMY: Yeah! Robble! Robble!
SHAZBOT: Really? That’s handy.
ANTIOCH: I know, right! Let’s go on a quest!
And so our heroes set out on their epic journey, with the fate of all mankind resting on their shoulders. Or at least Greece...all the other pantheistic religions seemed to be doing fine.
ANTIOCH: So, Shazbot...ever handled a sword before?
SHAZBOT: Yeah...like ten minutes ago...when I was in the bushes...and it was awesome!
ANTIOCH: *facepalm* No...not that sword. I mean a real one.
SHAZBOT: Oh...then no.
ANTIOCH: Okay....here’s a quick lesson. Now you see this end...the part that’s not sharp...you want to hold it by this end.
ANTIOCH: No...the part that’s not sharp, I said!
SHAZBOT: Oh...I see. ‘Kay got it.
ANTIOCH: Okay...now this pointy bit...you want to stick this into the bad guy rather then sticking yourself...kind of like when you eat food with a fork.
SHAZBOT: Okay...pointy end goes into the other guy...got it.
ANTIOCH: Congratulations. Here’s your black belt.
SHAZBOT: Wow! That was totally easy! Why doesn’t everyone just become an acrobatic martial arts expert?
And on our heroes travel, through overly extensive panoramic scenery shots...
SHAZBOT: Hey, look at this! I found a gun! It was just laying here.
ANTIOCH: Wow...a Chekhov .45 caliber...that could really come in handy at some later point.
SHAZBOT: Yee-ah...but I don’t want to use such an obviously advantageous and serendipitously placed boon. I’m going to do this as a man!
And on our heroes travel...and on and on and on...like Lord of the Rings, only without all that stupid, effort intensive quality.
CALIBOS: You! Shazbot! You’re my step son and I hate your guts! Now I’m gonna kill the shit out of you!
SHAZBOT: Yeah? Well I’ve got all these guys with spears n’ shit!
CALIBOS: So? I’ve got hulk strength and I bleed giant scorpions.
ANTIOCH: Really? Then why don’t you just put on a Bauhaus record and cut yourself like some depressive, attention mongering emo teenager until you have an army large enough to take over the entire world?
CALIBOS: What? Oh...because there’s another guy around here who bleeds giant wasps.
SHAZBOT: Giant wasps versus giant scorpions? That would make a way better movie!
CALIBOS: Enough talk...now you die!
ARMY: Argh! We’re being ripped to shreds by giant CGI scorpions! Robble!
SHAZBOT: *sip* Mmm...good slushy.
ARMY: Oh god! The venom burns! And those stingers are massive! Do something Shazbot! Robble!
SHAZBOT: Hold on...I’m making a playlist on my Ipod. *sip*
ARMY: Robble! We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth, Shazbot! *dies*
ANTIOCH: Look! Wooden Ewok tree genies! We’re...saved?
And even with their ranks thinned by random monster encounters, our heroes trek onward...
IO: Shazbot! You must continue forth...only you can defy the will of the gods! Also, I brought that cajun flavored trail mix you like...
SHAZBOT: Who are you??? How do you know so much about me?
IO: I used to be your babysitter...you probably don’t remember though because you were really young and you took a lot of naps. But I’ve been following all of your Facebook updates. Even the Farmville ones.
SHAZBOT: Oh. Creepy.
CALIBOS: *Stabbing Io* Ha! Fuck you!
SHAZBOT: Noooo! Io! You’ve aways been there for me *sob* you’re just such an important part of my life and there’s so much unresolved sexual tension! You can’t die!
FACEBOOK: Io has changed her status to “dead.”
SHAZBOT: Nooooo! *sob* I’ll kill you Calibos!
CALIBOS: Argh! I’ve been overcome by your inexplicably well developed fighting talents! Wait...before I go...you must...survive...thwart the gods.
SHAZBOT: Wait...didn’t you spend half the movie trying to impede my every effort to do that very thing?
CALIBOS: I’ve... *koff koff* I’ve always...loved you best!
SHAZBOT: *sniff* Rest well..old friend. Come on, guys...let’s see this through to the end...I know that the road has been hard...and we’ve lost a lot of our brothers along the way...but we are men...with hearts forged in the fires of adversity...we can do this...for what other choice do we have?
ANTIOCH: Ummm...who are you talking to? You managed to get everyone who put their faith in you killed. Besides, how are you gonna get to the ambiguous endpoint?
SHAZBOT: Look! It’s that pegasus I was nice to once! It must be here to give me a ride for some reason!
ANTIOCH: What the? I swear...it’s like you shit pure golden luck wherever you go.
SHAZBOT: Come on pegasus! Let’s save the day!
Meanwhile, high on the peaks of Mount Olympus...
HADES: So...uh Zeus...
ZEUS: Hold on...godammit! Why does the server always lag during guild raids? What do you want???
HADES: Yeah...we’re kinda on a time table here...so...fucking up humanity? Yes? No?
ZEUS: What? Yes yes...release the Kraken.
HADES: Sweet. This is gonna be so tits!
And the quest continues...even still. The theater manager will be on hand after the show to apologize personally.
SHAZBOT: I see it! The Kraken! God that fucker’s big!
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: EEK! All this carnage is devastating and expensive looking!
SHAZBOT: Oh no you don’t, Kraken! Check this out! It’s a photo of Amy Winehouse!
KRAKEN: What? Oh jesus! That snaggle toothed bitch is fucking hideous! And now I’m a statue.
SHAZBOT: Huzzah! The day is saved!
HADES: Not so fast mortal! You’ve played right into my hands...now my hypno-weather-doomsday device will enslave/destroy/skull fuck humanity and then I will be the fairest one of all!
SHAZBOT: *BANG!* Oh! Shit! Sorry...safety on this gun that astute readers might remember from an earlier portion of the story must have been off!
HADES: Ack! Bullets??? Those are like kryptonite to gods! Curses! Foiled again!
SHAZBOT: Well...that was anti-climatic.
ZEUS: Congratulations, son! Mankind has prevailed and since I’m such a gracious loser I now see the error of my ways.
SHAZBOT: Yes! And I did it as a man!
ZEUS: Well...no you didn’t. I practically handed you the means to my own defeat on a goddamn silver platter. I figured you needed a check in the “win” column to boost your confidence.
SHAZBOT: *sniff* I love you, dad!
ZEUS: I love you too, son! Let’s come back and do a sequel! It’ll be like a father/son buddy cop movie...with manticores...and this time it’ll be personal!
SHAZBOT: Well...I am contractually obligated...
ANTIOCH: *huff huff* Hey everyone...I just got done walking here at roughly the same pace that Shazbot was flying on a winged horse, somehow. What did I miss?
ZEUS AND SHAZ: Oh, Antioch! Lol!
ANTIOCH: Bweh-heh! I’m wacky!
Huh? Sorry...dozed off for a moment there. Oh...it’s over? Fucking finally! I’d love to say that this was just a silly parody that doesn’t reflect the actual movie...but the real Clash of the Titans made about as much sense. I’m not fucking kidding. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a stiff drink and a shower. The end.